Chapters Four Through Seven – Atlanta, Milwaukee, Houston

22 May

Ok, I’m starting to get bored with my own life, which is either because it’s boring or because I also have ADD in addition to anxiety. Either way, I’m condensing the next 5 years of my life.

I moved to Atlanta. Strangely, moving to a city I’d never been with no money, no job, and an unpaid internship didn’t bother me. I worked for Atlanta Motor Speedway, first as an intern in marketing and promotions, and then as the Club One Coordinator, which is a fancy name for I took care of the rich people and gave them what they wanted on race weekend. (Trust me, they wanted a lot.) They also crushed my spirit. I needed a change.

So I moved back to Wisconsin. Having a long term boyfriend who issued an ultimatum about how he was leaving Atlanta to go back to Wisconsin had nothing to do with this decision. (I told you, I can lie worth a shit.) I moved to Milwaukee, where I lived for three years. I started work for the Wisconsin Chapter of a national non-profit you’ve heard of but that I can’t name, because I still have friends who work there (ok fine, I have one friend who still works there) and aside from two wonderful ladies, one being my boss and partner in crime, I hated it. The day I got laid off in 2009 when the economy took a shit was the best day of my life.

In late 2008, my ex-Uncle committed suicide, and I took the news like a lead anchor in the ocean. Everything spiraled out of control. I was already unhappy about being uprooted from my very happy life in Atlanta, and I was bitter than my then-boyfriend had made me come “home.” (I use the term “home” loosely. Milwaukee never felt like home, it felt like a lay-over.) I began to think of new and creative ways to get away from all of the pain I was in emotionally. I got a kitten. I can say without a shred of sarcasm that she saved my life. I had someone who needed me.

I also found a therapist, because I had begun to truly scare myself.

My moods would go from perfectly fine to out of control within seconds, and without warning. I could pick a fight over ANYTHING, simply because I was bored. Nothing felt good enough. I was never happy. I forgot what happy felt like. I was drowning.

My doctor put me on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication that at the time was fairly new. It’s called Lexapro. The first week, I felt like my tounge was too big for my mouth, that my throat was closing up and I couldn’t breath. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY MAKE ME LESS ANXIOUS? I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO DIE.

Two weeks after I started taking it, the sky was finally blue again. I was able to leave the house on days I never would’ve been able to before.

We moved several months before I lost my job, into a house that my then-boyfriend bought. I got another kitten. Life was ducky.

Then I got laid off, and my boyfriend and I broke up. All within a span of two weeks. Hey, when something in my life gets fucked up, I do it big.

I continued to live with my ex in the house I considered partially mine from September to January. If I didn’t find a job, I was going to have to move home and live with my Dad. For those 4 months, I think I was completely numb emotionally. I didn’t care to deal with the feelings… so I didn’t. I slept a lot. My anti-depressant dosage was upped. It didn’t make much difference. I was always tired. If I wasn’t asleep, I was either on the couch watching tv (my TV drug of choice was Law & Order SVU, because no one on that show got a happily ever after, either) or I was drinking.

In January, after the painful realization that he had started seeing someone else, I moved out. I got a tiny apartment where I lived happily with my cats, waitressing at a bar downtown. I finally got another non-profit job, which was nothing short of a miracle. Through that job, I made new friends – again, the kind you can call in the middle of the night when you’re crying.

Somehow, over the next year, I was a pretty stable human being.

In March of 2011, I threw a monkey wrench into my own plan, uprooted my life, and moved to Houston, where I took a job with yet another national non-profit.

It’s been a weird year. So I guess now that we have the boring old background out of the way…

(PS I just realized this should really be chapters 4-6. I’m terrible at math. It’s charming, in a “wow, you really went to public school, didn’t you?” kind of way.)

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2 Responses to “Chapters Four Through Seven – Atlanta, Milwaukee, Houston”

  1. Jojo May 22, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

    Come home to me baby

  2. MMC May 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Atlanta still misses you horribly.

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