Disclaimer – Or: How I Know I Really Am Crazy

23 May

I feel like I need to clear something up.

I’m starting to feel guilty, which is one of my awesome super powers. I can feel guilty about ANYTHING. When there’s an Ozone Alert in Houston, I feel guilty for fucking up the environment. I feel guilty when someone has a problem I can’t solve. I also feel guilty when I buy shoes, but I suspect that’s less because of my superpower and more because I know if I buy shoes I might not be able to eat that week.

I don’t want you to read this blog and think, “Wow, this bitch sure does think she’s got anxiety and depression issues worse than anyone else in the entire world.”

Trust me – I am LUCKY. 95% of the time, I am a normal (well, normal for me) human being. I can function properly. When I take my medication, I am the person you know and love (and that’s me on the meds! Imagine how I was before!!!!!). But when the stress comes, or I find myself in a situation where I’m not entirely sure what to do, hell breaks loose in my body.

In the last 24 hours, I’ve gotten quite a few messages and texts that say: It’s so good to know I’m not alone.

Alone is a scary place. I’ve felt alone for the last 22 years, dealing with this the best I could without really knowing what was going on, and being too ashamed to talk about it, because having a mental illness is BAD AND WRONG.

If you take one thing away from this blog, I hope it’s this: Anxiety and depression are incredibly common. In fact, I guarantee you know at least a handful of people who suffer from one or the other, or both together (if you know me, you fall into this category!) We look like you. We sound like you. We have fun, and go out, and we pretend that we don’t feel like the ground is going to open up and we’re going to fall in. But our insides are in turmoil. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

This isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy. And I mean that without a hint or sarcasm or irony.

I would give every last pair of shoes in my closet if no one had to deal with this ever again. But I can’t. It doesn’t work like that. So hopefully, you can find a little peace here. Maybe for a second you can feel normal. And not so alone.


2 Responses to “Disclaimer – Or: How I Know I Really Am Crazy”

  1. Senor Feliz May 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    sure looks like a bad day to quit sniffing glue…

  2. kel May 23, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

    you are not alone…. you have 2 cats! who clearly have no choice but to share your misery hahah. love you to the moon shancakes.

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