Archive | October, 2012

Down The Rabbit Hole

15 Oct

I have never been particularly good at hiding my emotions. Sometimes it works in my favor.. and sometimes… well. It can get out of hand. That’s why when I start to go into a depression, it usually isn’t hard to figure out what’s happening.

I’m heading back down the rabbit hole, kids. I’m so tired.. just, all the time. There are so many things to do, but my body just shuts down. I. Don’t. Care. Get your own damn in kind donations. Raise your own damn money. I DON’T CARE.

Tonight I came home and slept for four hours. A person shouldn’t be that tired, especially after sleeping until 10 am (thanks to someone who saved my butt and let me sleep in a little after being sick during the night). A person shouldn’t immediately start calculating when they get to go back to bed as soon as they wake up. A person shouldn’t be so apathetic.

I’ve been sick twice in the last month (hello, stress, I remember now what you do to me), and this second time around I have a cough I can’t shake. I need to go to the doctor. But the thought of making an appointment, of driving there, and explaining it all.. it just makes me so tired I can’t even fathom making it happen. I have phone calls to return. Emails to write. People to motivate. I just can’t.

My overwhelming emotion right now is guilt. I have such a wonderful life, and I’m surrounded by such amazing people who love me despite the fact that I’m completely fucked up. I have a job, I have things I should care about. But I don’t. And I feel so guilty for not caring, for being totally ok with the idea of just giving up and falling head first down the rabbit hole. People are counting on me, and I cannot be bothered to give one shit, let alone two.

Everything hurts right now. My back, my head, my legs, my fingers. My hair. And my heart. It hurts most of all, because I know I’m letting people down, and that is the most painful, but I can’t be bothered to care more than just thinking about how I should care.

I hate this. I hate letting people down, I hate feeling like nothing I do can fix this. I hate knowing what I need to do and being too exhausted to even make it happen. Being to exhausted to step up to the plate. That makes it worse. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m a hamster on a wheel, running and running and getting nowhere.

Depression lies. It tells you you can’t. It tells you you don’t want to. But what happens when depression’s voice is louder than the voice of anyone else?

Catch me before I fall too deep down this rabbit hole.

Or don’t. I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself back up.

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It’s A Metaphor, Kids

3 Oct

I am standing on a cliff, my toes curled along the edge. I stretch my arms out, feel the wind through my hair and the sun on my face.

Below me is a river. I don’t know if there are rocks at the bottom. It looks cool & inviting.

Behind me is a road. It is dusty. And bumpy. Its twists and turns have brought me here, to this cliff. To this moment. I am tired from the journey and anxious for a rest.

 

I could jump. For a few, brief seconds, I could feel the sweet relief of weightlessness.  The water could envelope me, wash me clean. It could revive me. It could baptize me into another person. Someone who gives a damn, who isn’t so afraid. 

Or the jump could kill me.

I turn and continue my journey down the dusty, bumpy road. I trust it will someday lead me to the place where I need to be.