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Merry Christmas, Now Cut The Crap

25 Dec

First of all, Merry Christmas, y’all. I am extremely fortunate to have been able to spend this very special holiday with some of my more favorite people in the world here in The Cheese State. That being said, I’m very much looking forward to heading back to the Lonestar State on Monday. I hear there’s a New Years Eve party in the works, and I’m always up for drinking champagne out of the bottle.

So this post is about a month in the works, because I’ve been really busy with work, and really busy with pretending like I’m fine and dandy and fabulous.

I’m not.

So now that we’ve got the melodramatic bullshit out of the way, let’s move into the who, what, where, and why.

I’m having a really hard time lately “liking” myself – and I’m not talking my posts on The Facebook.

I finally reached a point where The Person Who Caused Me The Most Anxiety was distant memory (ish), and I managed to actually meet someone that I, well, liked. You know, the special kind of “like” that gives you butterflies & drives you to put on a little extra lip gloss when you visit a place they might be at? That kind of “like”.

Can I mention that I’m really, really awesome on paper, but not as polished in person? Like I fall down, or run into things, or say dumb stuff. Or don’t say anything at all. And when I do say stuff it’s the WRONG stuff.

It stands to reason that I am completely inept when it comes to flirting. Like, painfully awkward, and not in a cute way. More like in a, how did you make it 27 years old with more than one serious relationship under your belt? awkward. When there isn’t anyone on deck, I can usually embrace the awkward and be alright with it, but on the rare occasions I find myself interested in someone for more than 3 seconds (the attention span of a goldfish – I Googled it just to be sure), I’m a fucked up mess.

This leads to multiple (obnoxious) texts to friends dissecting what he said, and then what I said, and then what happened. I have no idea why they still reply. Sometimes I wonder if I’m their science fair project.

Around this time, I also start to make a fool out of myself around the person in question.

I hate “the game”, and I don’t mean 50 Cent’s rapper friend. This whole flirting/dating bullshit is for the birds. I miss the time when we were young enough that we could (GASP!) be honest, and either the other person felt the same way, or didn’t, and we moved on. It wasn’t a race to see who could be the most shady or aloof or hard to get. Humiliation lasted for hours, and didn’t become something we talked about with our therapists. Where did this go? Am I the only person who feels like this might be an easier approach?

I don’t know where the confidence I used to have went, but I miss it. I want to be fearless again – I want to stand in front of you, tell you I have a great time with you, invite you to dinner, and if you say no, I want to move on with my life without feeling like it’s a personal failure.

Is it really so much to ask that we cut the crap with each other and just be honest?